This is not simply a hashtag. It is a personal note to myself to sign off my running time, but also I intend to signpost opportunity for others seeking space. It took me some considerable time to appreciate and properly understand this was happening, and on reflection it has unconsciously developed alongside my actual running over the past couple of years. Just as I have improved my physicality and running technique, my awareness and use of this headspace has synchronously grown and evolved.
It is only a few short years ago that my moment happened. That single traumatic event when your life forever changes. When every certainty on life and love crumbles, and in an instance, you question every decision ever made. Well, at least this is how it was for me. The immediate consequence was a feeling of complete and utter despair, and I went to the darkest of places of my mind for solace. But I also know that for others it may not be a single incident but perhaps a lifetime of struggle.
Without sanctuary at home or in my work I somehow managed to pull enough resource to continue to operate, albeit in a closed off state from the world. It felt like for the purposes of operating I had been able to divide my soul into two beings; one managed to go to work and hang together for family, whilst what I identified as the real me laid awake at night listening to classical music and opera, and multiple night time walks with my dog clothed only in pyjamas and a hoodie (bear in mind it was January). My only other memory of this time was crying almost every day on my journey home from work, and this went on for weeks.
Although it is reported that the stigma of mental illness has faded in recent years, there is a distinguishable gap between the promotional material and activities publicly acclaimed by employers against the everyday experiences of staff when making even routine requests or enquiries to help with various situations. For my part I was poorly engaged with and assisted when a temporary role ended which added, and to be honest continues to add stress to my life. Yet there isn’t a week which passes when there isn’t an online Wellbeing session to attend, or even dial up yoga. Honestly.
It was incidental that I had started to exercise just before things went south. At this time for reasons I have explained fully in another blog I was sat astride an exercise bike. It was this together with the dog walks which helped me start to shift my weight, and within 4 weeks I had lost my first stone. It would be a year before I started to run, which began with a run/walk of the park approximately 1km. I would do this every Sunday morning, and after a month I able to run the full kilometre without stopping. It may well be that the small release of endorphins, together with the glow from succeeding with my weight loss kept me above the water line but honestly at the time I had no capacity to make such considerations, my focus every day was getting through every day.
This is the point I started to run. It is when I became stronger and faster physically but also my self-esteem began to assemble and with it determination to succeed. It was in my mind a simple consequence that I began to spend more time alone with my thoughts but within an environment where I would also be distracted and unfocussed on my anxieties and pain, looking more at where my foot was being placed or which part of my anatomy hurt the most.
It is established that there are many reasons that physical activity can help mental health – it boosts mood, relieves stress and improves sleep. I can certainly vouch that since I have regularly exercised my lifetime of insomnia has been addressed. Of course, there will be many other factors which have contributed to my improved mental health including significant weight loss and improved general health but running has been a foundation stone in realising all these goals. Now I have awareness of what I can achieve mentally on a run – and typically this would be 50 minutes – I get to problem solve, and I guess by burning adrenaline I reduce anxieties and stress.
I have read that 10 minutes of light exercise has been shown to have a short-term beneficial impact on mood, and a long-term impact after 12 weeks. I would always suggest that you need to find what works for you, but also be aware of your progression and adjust accordingly. You must work within your own capabilities, and as I have described, as your legs grow so will your mental capacity. It is critical that wherever you are, or what your running ambitions might be, this must not be a source of stress.
There is a huge risk of harm if you push your body too quickly and get injured, and then be unable to train. Equally the headspace must come naturally not be forced, focus only on the running and in time your inner voice will rise. I began my journey through mindfulness exercises with focus on my steps and breathing – and this is still part of my longer runs. When I started to run it was the planning, the preparations, and the reflections of my programme which was a distraction from my personal problems – it was only once I was proficient (relative term) I had the capacity to use my running time for therapeutic benefit.
What I did not know was that the “high” feeling I experienced as the end of a run had a name. It is described that the “Runners High” is a result of your heart pumping harder and pushing blood through your body at a faster rate. Your respiratory system starts working harder and you to push yourself to go harder and faster. Your body starts releasing endorphins, these hormones act as a stimulant resulting in what is experienced as a “high”. In time this may become one of your incentives to go out on a cold or wet morning. If you are just getting started, you need also to know that the feeling of regret if you don’t go for a run significantly outweighs any pain or struggle experienced during a run. True story.
Just a few words of caution, but please consider this is my story and yours might be different. Whilst running can improve your cardiovascular health, reduce body weight, and help to improve your mental health it will not solve your personal problems. It has helped me to find a focus in my life, to set personal goals, and give me space to think through my issues, it has not changed any of the characters or plots in my life story. It isn’t magic. But on the other hand, running 5 miles several times a week also allows me to eat cake.
The other benefits, which again must also have contributed positively to my mental wellbeing include general health with significantly reduced blood pressure and pulse. I cannot recall the last time I had a nosebleed or serious headache. A willingness and ambition to try new challenges, I am currently training for my first marathon only 3 years from my first venture around the park. Regaining some personal pride and with it both ambition and a new sense of my identity and self-worth which is not easy without reassurance and support of others when you have been so low. My diet has changed, and over time consequently my cravings for unhealthy foods has diminished. I want to run well, and previously also I had a lot of weight to lose. I am in a place now that largely I genuinely want the foods which provide the best fuel – and of course coffee and cake are my indulgences which is a world away from kettle chips and wine by the bottle.
There was a time I lived as a zombie staring at the ceiling caught between regretting yesterday, and fearful of tomorrow. Every day taken by anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I did not have the resources or time to respond to my crisis but there was some good fortune in that I found running, and although it was just for the challenge it has given me so much more. Running has given me purpose, identity, health, fitness and personal pride. Running gives me the time to reason, to vent, to listen to music, and solve problems. Running is my therapy.
Dean Reeves
The Renegade Roundhead 